It’s not often that I disclose my personal life on my blog, as I tend to be a pretty private person when it comes to topics that are very close to my heart. At the beginning of my pregnancy I had no intention of blogging about being pregnant, and decided not to announce it to the public until I was about 20 weeks along. By month six, there will still people at my church that didn’t know I was pregnant (just thought I was getting chubby).
In no way did that mean that I wasn’t (or am not) excited about having a baby, there was just something in me that wanted as much privacy and peace and quiet I could possibly have, for the longest amount of time. Being from a small town, news travels fast, and with the invention of Facebook and Twitter, news spreads like wildfire. One minute, all is quiet on the front, and the next minute 450 people I don’t know are asking me a bunch of personal questions, and wanting to see the baby belly, stat. Wanting to know for the sake of knowing is what I call it. Does that sound bitter? Probably, it’s not really meant to, I just wanted to reserve the excitement for close family and friends for awhile. And again, have some quiet time, because we all know that once there is an announcement, that’s the last time for nine months, anyone is ever going to look me in the eye first BEFORE they look at the belly.
These past nine months have gone by really fast. After those first initial few months of miserableness (is that a word?) time seemed to fly by. Once we knew we were having a boy, I went to work painting, and slowly (so slow in fact that I’m still not finished) getting the nursery put together.
By June, we finally had a name: Jack, picked out. Josh and I went around and around with so many names my head hurt. We’d had a name picked out when we started dating, and then it changed, and then we had a name picked out before we got pregnant, and that changed too. Something just didn’t feel right about all those names. Josh didn’t like it, or I didn’t like it. We went through Norwegian names, Finnish names, Greek names. Some were so far out there, that they were laughable. And then one day we arrived on Jack. Josh had been looking through the family tree for months trying to find a name that I would agree on, and I just couldn’t bring myself to use a family name, because I had never wanted our child to be named after anyone. I wanted him to have his own identity, not someone else’s.
Something about Jack tugged on my heart, and I couldn’t let it go. Jack’s great grandpa changed his name to Jack when he moved over from Norway. For some reason the simplicity or Jack felt good to say, and I could see my son at three, twenty-five, and eighty being called Jack. The middle name was easy, although we had never planned to use family names, Toyra felt right too: a nice way to remind our little guy that he has another grandfather who would think the world of him if he was here with us.
Emotionally, through this pregnancy, I think I’ve done really well. Already prone to being an emotional basket case, I haven’t been on a roller coaster of emotions the entire time. That doesn’t mean I’m saying I haven’t had a melt down or two, but I’ve really kept it down to a minimum. I find myself thinking about my dad, and how he SHOULD be here, how so many people I love SHOULD be here to see my child, but early on someone told me, “Your father isn’t here anymore, and he can’t be.” Or something as a matter- of - fact like that, and “there’s nothing you can do about it.” And for some reason it really struck a chord with me. So by choosing the middle name Toyra, we honored my father in a positive way, and I think that’s really helped me with that aspect of the “missing” during this time in my life.
After that initial “What the hell did I do?” stage that I talked about before, and the “this is going to create so much chaos, and disorganization” stage, I found some sort of inner calm. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of “how are we going to pay for this, or what happens if something happens during labor?” But I was told that none of that trivial stuff matters because I’m having a baby (and isn’t that amazing) and “yes you could die, what are you going to do about it?” And like I said earlier, the blatant ness of it all really hit home with me, and if I feel that worry about trivial things rising up inside of me, I remind myself that the only thing that matters is Jack, and my family. And everything else is just secondary. And let me tell you, I’m the calmest I have EVER been. Aside from running around like a crazy person trying to get all the work I need to get done before Jack arrives.
I think the hardest part for me (and this is fortunate) has been coming to terms with the new body I’ve “earned” these last nine months. This may seem vain, and I guess it is, but like I said in my previous post, I’m pretty sure every woman has those moments of looking in the mirror and saying to herself, “Wow, I look like a total train wreck,” no matter how much weight you have or haven’t gained. I’ve been very fortunate this first go around, and if you were to look at me from behind, you’d never know I was pregnant. I’m not trying to brag at all, because now (and there’s no denying it) I look like a frog with my buddah belly, and my complete lack of a tush. Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at how awkward I look. And I’m pretty sure that the “pregnancy glow” doctors talk about doesn’t actually happen. The reason I have some “glow” in my maternity pictures is because 1. Josh is pretty killer with a camera, and 2. Photoshop does wonders for exhausted under eye circles and acne scars. Yeah, I said it. Oh, AND, that maxi dress covers up the horrendously swollen ankles and feet I’ve been sporting for the last month and a half. Talk about almost dying of a heart attack when I looked down at my feet one day. My feet have never jiggled when I walk before. I think the lack of sideways “fat” movement on my feet will be one of the things I’m looking forward to losing most, post pregnancy!
So all in all these last nine months have been wonderful. Do I “love” being pregnant? No. I applaud you if you are one of those women who do. I will say, it will be strange not to have the little guy rolling around in my stomach anymore. Josh told me he’s jealous I get to spend way more time with him than he does, and I told him that I’d be more than happy to let him carry the next child, but I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening!
And finally, have I figured out what God was trying to teach me in these last nine months? And have I mastered them? Well, I know he wanted me to just trust, and let go. To believe that everything WILL be okay and the world will continue to turn, and that he has it covered, so I don’t need to worry so much. Have I mastered that? No, but I’m the calmest I’ve ever been, and that's a big step for me... There is no way that I could have made it through these last nine months without his guidance, and Josh’s continued support.
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Now I just need to make it through labor and delivery (ugh). If you follow me on Facebook and/or Twitter, you’ll know that Jack is in absolutely no hurry to make an appearance, and seems to be setting up permanent residence inside my belly. Hopefully, the next time I blog, it will be with news of a beautiful labor and delivery, and a beautiful baby boy!
And even more rare than posting about my personal life, are personal photos of me. Josh was kind enough to spend a few minutes getting bossed around to get these shots of me at 9 months pregnant. Thank you Josh for your patience during the "photo session" and the last 9 months. I love you!
Monday, September 26, 2011 at 06:59PM 
